The World According To ME
by Ginny Ha-ha
Summary: the Marauder's Map was not the only legacy MWPP left behind at Hogwarts... this is How to survive at Hogwarts School, Scotland, UK, the world, the Universe, AD 1972, as written by 2 students known only as Padfoot & Prongs...


The World According To Me

By Ginny Ha-ha

First off, yes, I used to be Ginny :), but ff.n won't allow the smilie any more, so I'm Ginny Ha-ha. I know, it's not veryy original but I didn't want a very different name because no-ond would know who I was! 

I got the idea for this fic from reading 'How To Be Topp' by Geoffry Willans and Ron Searle, and also a Just William book that I forget the name of ["Just William; Home For The Holidays"?], by the brilliant Richmal Crompton. The idea is that this an account of Hogwart's School, written by James Potter, in 2nd year, aged about 12. My grammar & spelling is considerably better then his in reality, so don't flame me for it! You don't think any 12 year olds writing is that bad? You've never met my brother or his friends for that matter... 

Oh, and I'm English, so if I use any slang that people don't understand at all, I appologise! 

Ginny Ha-ha 

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this is an acount of hogwarts skool of witchcraft and wizardry, scotland, uk, western hemisphere, the world, the universe, as writen by Prongs and Padfoot, AD 1972, who writ this so that people will remember wot life was like a long time in the future. that is if moony is wrong and the world do not end because of global warming, or you know who who does not kill everyone which he wont because we are going to beat him hands down whateva wormtail sa. 

Here are some photos and wot they are ov; 

1) this is us on the quiditch field only you cant see that becuz it is nite. 

2) coo gosh this is lily evens she is bad tempered and sa things like, Potter you are a idiot you should not larf at first years they hav enuff to cope with without your ugly mug learing at them. I am surprized she did not break the camera. 

3) This is peters chin becuase he do not hold the camera properle. 

4) You see this is the Divination tower. I predict that if I am told I will die young again, I will stab that teacher to death with a blunt pencil. 

5) A UFO. Well not reely, it's just where sirius dropped the camera in the lake and the film was spoiled. We hav some great pictures what look like muggle ideas of gosts and ufos and stuff now tho. We will use them to scare first years. Haha! 

~*~ 

**Newbies At Hogwarts**

everyoue meets at platfrom 9 3/4s, at kings cross station, London. If you hav never beens to kings cross, the best advice I can giv you is; dont. It is verry big and more like a laberynth maybe there is even reely a minotaur like in the greek legend. I dont care much so long as it doesnt eat me. It can have my little brother instead, he is a weed. 

Anyway, all the litle kiddies get loaded onto the train with their mummys crying, saying Bye bye darling clarence write to us when you get there, mummy luvs you verry much. Remember to take your losenges, darling, and I will give your gollywog a kiss from you when we get home. Tell me if anyone is horribul to you, wont you dukkie-pie? 

The daddys smile and giv their children hugs whilst the children try and escape there gripping clutches. Reely, the fathers are thinking _thank goodness the little brat has finally gone, now I can drink my gin in peace._

Older kids like me and my friends stand and grin knoing the newbies' fates. Fancy being called clarence, they deserve everything they get. And havin a gollywog... I mean to sa good grief are you a boy or are you a mouse, clarence, dear? 

I think the answer is obvious. 

Although wormtail still has a teddy bear called Percival, he cuddles it sometimes, and-- well, he sa he is going to kill me so I will not go any further down that raod. 

When clarence and his littel friends arrive at hogwarts, fun and games await them! Well not reely. Reely, they are sorted into different Houses like this; 

thikkos into Hufflepuff 

boff-jobs and brainboxs into Ravenclaw 

slimey buggers who shud be locked up into Slytherin, yah boo! 

brillient wonderful and talented students into Gryffindor, hoorah! 

I am now going to talk about the difrent Houses. 

Hufflepuff is for kids who arent any good at anything else. They all spend loads of time working but they get crappy marks in their exams so it obviously does not rub off verry well. They loose everything which is a shame because they are mostly quite decent when they are not working, and are 2nd best House after Gryffindor. 

Ravenclaws are too clever for their own good they should not be allowed to think so much, it has to be a health hazard. I dont kno much about them except they are very clever and they want everything to be fair, which is daft in my opinion. Who cares if it is fair so long as we win? 

Slytherins are an 'orrible lot, and severus snape is the worst of them. He neva washes his hair and also, you could slice a loaf of bread with that nose. I would take a picture of him only padfoot broke the camera, and if he hadn't, snape would hav with his ugly mug. Even other then snape, Slytherins are a bloody annoying lot who always scheme and smile like they kno things that they dont reely, it is quite unnearving. 

Gryffindor, which padfoot and I are in, is just the best. Naturally. We win a lot of things and we are all fantastical people, except lily evens and her mates, who dont have a life. We hav won the quiditch cup for 3 years running and I can tell you that pisses the slytherins right off. 

We hav a ghost called Nearly Headless Nick who talks dead posh and I don't know why he only has his head half off, but wun day we will ask. 

In Gryffindor, there are two types of student; in the boys, there are them who are bigger and stronger then me, who I must be nice to, and them who are ratty little weeds who giv us all a good laugh hahahahaha. This does not include us two [Padfoot and Prongs], wormtail, or moony, because we are just too cool, you cannot argue with that whatever you like to believe. Although wormtail has a teddy still. 

For the girls there are the giggly type who are annoying, and the type you can perv over so long as they don't notice you because you will die horribly if they do. Then there is lily evens who is in a class of her own, I dont think she is even human. 

Now I am going to talk about the different classes. 

**How To Survive In Potions**

This is very simple; you keep you head down and you can only make trouble if the teacher does not spot you because if he does, he will probably give you some kind of potion that will turn you into something, or that will have nasty side-effects. We do not kno this for sure but I do not want to find out. Rumor has it that the teacher turned a firstie into a frog when she gave him too much lip. I would not put it past him. 

The onle thing you can get away with in potions is using a pea shooter to hit otehr students, but you hav to be very careful not to get caught, and espeacially you must never suck instead of blo because you will REGRET IT. Also, don't waste your pellets on birds out the window because they ar too fast. Chiz chiz chiz. 

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Well, I'm leaving it at that for now! I hope it wasn't too bad, lol. Don't flame me if you possibly can hold yourself back! Bear in mind that this was supposed to be random and funny... ^_^ Tell me if you want to read more! 

Please could you leave a review? 

Ginny Ha-ha 


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